A poem about Phil Kessel... and more B.S.
What’s the deal with wheelie bags?
When is it okay to use a wheelie bag? I did some investigating and I think I have come up with four circumstances where it’s acceptable:
1. You’re over the age of 50
You’re old and there’s no reason to strain the shoulders and back. It’s impressive you still play at all, bravo.
2. You’re a goalie
Goalies are from another planet and they’re allowed to do whatever they want. Goalie equipment is heavy, but even if it wasn’t I think a goalie can get away with pretty much anything. If you are a goalie and you’re reading this please know that you are insane. Pucks are hard.
3. You’re using public transportation
That’s a love of the game that thankfully I’ve never experienced myself. But if you are riding the subway with your gear, definitely go out and get a wheelie bag. That sounds horrible.
4. You’ve got bad shoulders
I am a perfect physical specimen so it’s tough for me to relate to this. Everything works unbelievable and I’m handsome, but I imagine if you had a bad shoulder injury carrying a hockey bag wouldn’t be the best.
Did I leave anything out? Let us know in the comments.
This week’s blog post is sponsored by not drinking alcohol. I feel so good.
Phil Kessel
A poem I wrote:
To get you the Leafs gave up so much
Because Brian Burke was out to lunch
During a time when the Buds were so bad
You’d shoot the puck and it’d make me less sad
Now you are the NHL’s iron man
While Steve Simmons sits at home on his fat can
Sure in this city they’ll never build you any statues
Even though trading you indirectly helped us draft Auston Matthews
What kind of 32-year-old man writes a poem? Unbelievable.
I remember I was at the Blue Jays game on Canada Day when they announced the Leafs traded Kessel to the Penguins and was overjoyed. I knew this had to happen for the Leafs to take the right step. There’s nothing worse for an organization than being mediocre. Be good or bad, but anything in between is a waste of time. By trading Kessel at the time it solidified us as the worst team in the league and we were finally going to tank to draft some talent. The Buds missed out on McDavid the first year after the trade but still snagged Mitch Marner fourth overall. The following year the Leafs were basement dwellers again and drafted Auston Matthews first overall and the rest is history. The Leafs have a team worth watching for the first time in my adult life and I believe they owe it all to trading Kessel on Canada Day 2015. Anyways, that explains the final line of the above poem. Moving on.
This week Phil Kessel set the NHL record for consecutive games played with 990 and counting. He tied the record against the Leafs and broke it the next night in San Jose while scoring his 400th career goal that same game. Here is the group photo the Golden Knights took after the game:
Phil is the definition of a legend and it’s great seeing him continue to build his Hall of Fame resume. It always seems like he doesn't get enough respect around the game so it’s great to see him set an extremely impressive record. You always hear of different stories about him and they’re always spectacular. Here’s one I saw online yesterday:
What a king. I bought his rookie card last year and it’s already doubled in value. Who’s impressed?
Maple Leafs - Game 6 vs. Winnipeg
The Leafs win 4-1 and winning is good. Hurray.
Transparently this was the first game of the year that I was able to watch in its entirety. I coach a team and play on two, missing Leaf games is unavoidable. The Buds looked great and I was impressed with what I saw out of the squad. Auston Matthews might not have scored a goal but he was all over the puck and finished the game with three assists. Ilya Samsonov looks incredible and I want to be the first to accept him as our lord and saviour. He will be the number one goalie for the Toronto Maple Leafs for the next 5-10 years, you heard it here first.
I think I’m going to buy a white #24 Wayne Simmonds jersey as my next dumb purchase. I love what he brings to the lineup and wish he’d be a fixture on the Leafs fourth line. Check out this slick pass:
And then when the game was sealed Keefe put him on for the final shift of the game and he lays this lovely bodycheck on Logan Stanley.
We’re a different team with Simmonds in the lineup and one that I enjoy watching. With a team full of kissy boys (as my dad would say), it’s important to have a guy in the lineup who can smash faces. I hope he never misses another game.
Maple Leafs - Game 7 vs. Vegas
The Buds came out flat and 100% deserved to lose this game. There were moments of hope because our lord and saviour Ilya Samsonov was standing on his head but unfortunately they weren’t able to steal the game from the Golden Knights. I hope the players still went out and ripped it up on the strip afterwards. It’s a long season and I want the fella to build some team camaraderie before what promises to be a historic Stanley Cup run in June 2023.
Kessel scored a goal and it got called back as an offside. Before making the challenge Keefe called a timeout so that the video team could review the play a little bit longer. That should be obviously be illegal, what is going on with this league? If that happened against the Leafs in the playoff game we would be flipping cop cars in the streets. I hate video review and believe it’s ruined professional sports. This is me:
Maple Leafs - Game 8 vs. San Jose
Ew.
Vancouver Canucks
The Canucks are so bad but I don’t understand the surprise. They’ve been legitimately awful for years and most people had them on the outside looking in for the playoffs before the season began. Now they are in dead last and the city is melting down. I’m confused what they expected and why?
They hired Patrik Allvin as the new general manager last year and his vision for the team appears non-existent. Why would they sign J.T Miller to an eight-year contract before the season? They could have waited and now that they know the team is brutal he would be an excellent trade chip for the future. Moving both Miller and Horvat for picks and prospects would be a great way to jumpstart a rebuild. It’s obviously time to make some drastic changes and it blows my mind when teams fail to recognize that on their own.
Frankly, I believe the Western Conference is full of teams that are obviously mediocre and seem to be taking steps to stay there. That’s fine, some of those teams might turn it around and improve when their prospects develop. If you have a glimmer of hope I understand trying to make it work. Rest assured that the Canucks have no glimmer. They are hopeless on paper and on the ice. Burn it down.
Taylor Swift
My Sweet has been playing the new Taylor Swift album non-stop in our condo. What she doesn't know is that once I get in the car I put it back on, only louder. Taylor Swift is as if all The Beatles were one person. She’s 32 years old and is already more accomplished than the Rolling Stones and Bob Dylan combined.
Anyways, this new song by Carly Rae Jepsen absolutely slaps.
Play it loud and enjoy the weekend. Shabbat Shalom!
If your shoulders are too bad to carry a hockey bag, you shouldn’t be playing. That’s the hockey gods telling you it’s time to hang ‘em up, don’t get a wheelie bag