Hockey Canada, Biz, Leafs, My fantasy team, and more B.S.
I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it.
—The Pointer Sisters
We’re less than a week away from hockey and I think that’s fantastic!
I came up with something this week that would be great for the NHL.
You know how on American Thanksgiving they spend the entire day watching football? Canadian Thanksgiving should copy that but for hockey. How great would it be if all day on Thanksgiving Monday the Canadian teams faced one another?
Winnipeg vs. Vancouver
Toronto vs. Ottawa
Edmonton vs. Calgary
And the best part: Montreal doesn’t get a game.
This post is sponsored by the Bloc Québécois. Get lost, losers.
Maple Leafs
In perfect Pathetic Losers™ fashion, the Buds are having an excellent preseason with four wins and one loss so far. Both Ilya Samsonov and Matt Murray have been solid in goal and Leaf nation is 100% confident that will continue. At this time, I would like to welcome both of those goalies to my fantasy hockey team, The BSharps. I figured it was wise to draft Toronto Maple Leaf goaltending this season because they are my pick for the President’s Trophy. Winning regular season games has never been an issue for those Pathetic Losers™ so I expect this will work out swimmingly.
This is the projected opening lineup according to Jonas Siegel from the Athletic:
Bunting – Matthews – Marner
Robertson – Nylander – Malgin
Aston-Reese – Kampf – Aube-Kubel
Engvall – Kerfoot – Jarnkrok
Rielly – Brodie
Muzzin – Holl
Giordano – Sandin
Murray
Samsonov
This lineup works but I have some complaints. I don’t mean to sound like a caveman but they need someone in there who can throw fisticuffs. I would like them to dress Wayne Simmonds opening night. The first game of the season is always a wild one and it’d be good to play somebody that isn’t a complete cutie pie.
There are so many questions facing them before opening night.
Will the goalies hold up?
Can they win a playoff round?
Will there be a new anthem singer? (the current one is very bad)
Will there be a new goal song?
Can Auston score 50 in 50?
Will any of the rich kids I know post a photo from Harbour 60 before sitting in daddy’s platinum seats?
Soon we will find out what this team is made of. Go Leafs Go!
Fantasy Hockey
I came up with the team name “Kerfoot Fetish” but instead I’m sticking with tradition and the BSharps live on. We drafted on Monday night and I kind of hate my team:
I already dropped Kessel and picked up Matty Beniers so hopefully my elite hockey knowledge can find a way to make this work. I consider myself to be an above average fantasy hockey player but a below average ice hockey player. I’m a good skater but I can’t raise the puck. Also, I’m always tired so the strong skating is completely nullified. Drinking 5000 Bud Lights this summer may have had some negative effects.
Hockey Canada
I grew up playing AAA hockey in the Greater Toronto Area. The entire sport is run by two types of people: scumbags and dirtbags. I once had a coach play me 6 shifts in an exhibition game. On every team I played for different players dads would bribe coaches so their kids get more ice time. It was a constant but I swear I’m only 40 therapy sessions away from being 100% over it.
My point is that nothing about Hockey Canada’s indiscretions is the least bit surprising. All those jabronis should resign and a new leadership should come in and take the game in a better direction. Obviously, a nice place to start would be to not cover up sexual assault accusations (pretty obvious). Another thing that would be great is if they could find a way to make hockey more affordable. It’s the most expensive game in the world and it’s only getting worse. They should be trying to find ways to subsidize hockey in low-income communities.
Obviously, no one that stood by and helped cover up rape accusations should be able to keep their jobs. It isn’t “cancel culture” it’s simple accountability.
Jason Robertson
I don’t understand this person. Why would you hold out all training camp just to cut your team an insane discount? Bargain boy Jason Robertson signed a $31 million four-year contract with the Dallas Stars. The average is $7.75 million per year which is a significant discount. Most people projected his average to be closer to $9-9.5 million. I would have thought he’d sign a two year bridge deal so he can cash in once Jamie Benn’s colossal contract finally expires.
The weirdest part of this deal is the fact that he held out only to take a generous discount. The second weirdest part is that this contract doesn’t even walk him into unrestricted free agency. He will be a restricted free agent when this contract expires which grants him significantly less leverage in negotiations. Every year as a hockey fan several things happen that make me shake my head in disbelief. This is one of those instances.
Paul Bissonette
Biz Nasty got in some trouble yesterday and the ghouls on Twitter dot com were out for blood. He made a joke on TNT that Tyler Seguin is responsible for half of the female viewership in the NHL and people were not pleased.
It is objectively hilarious to see grown men pretend to be offended. Hope you get well soon, Nathan.
Call me nuts, but I think the LADIES can take a joke.
Maybe it wasn’t the best joke, but in his defence:
Tyler Seguin is clearly pretty hot.
Does this joke deserve a formal apology? No chance. Paul Bissonette is a treasure and Spittin’ Chiclets is growing the game by providing the players with an outlet to show some personality. No one was genuinely offended by what he said and all the outrage was nothing more than theatre. Fake news!
Blue Jays
You've got a diamond,
You've got 9 men,
You've got a hat, and a bat, and that's not all.
You got the bleachers, got 'em from spring 'til fall.
You got a dog, and a drink, and an umpire's call.
What do you want?
Let's play ball.
Ok (Ok) Blue Jays (Blue Jays)
Let's (Let's) Play (Play) Ball (Ball).
Anyways, that’s all from me. I hope you all had an unbelievable Yom Kippur. Happy Thanksgiving!
