Thanks to one of the kids I coach (who will remain nameless) I recently passed the 100-subscribers milestone. It’s true what they say, hard work and being extremely talented (and hot) pays off.
I know you’re all impressed, but the show goes on. I was recently inspired by the Evgenii Dadonov kerfuffle between the Las Vegas Golden Knights and Anaheim Ducks. I find that a lot of people are focusing on the wrong things, such as how could Vegas not have known about his no movement clause. As for me, I can’t imagine not wanting to go live in Anaheim. Is he insane?
No trade lists are to stop you from getting traded to Buffalo, not sunny California! The fact that Mr. Dadonov would put the Ducks on his list is truly preposterous. With that in mind I thought to myself, who would be on my no-trade list if I was an NHL player? Let’s explore this shall we.
1. Ottawa
Honestly, it’s a nice city and I think playing in Canada for passionate fans would be cool, but it’s just such a dumpster fire of an organization. Their arena is in the middle of nowhere and their owner is a cheap scumbag. Obviously when the time comes for my big fat pay raise, he would probably just trade me for a 3rd round pick. I can’t be stressed out about contract talks when I need to be focussed on getting pucks in deep and pucks on net.
2. Buffalo
Do I need to elaborate? I don’t think I do. Check out this hat.
3. Winnipeg
Again, I probably don’t need to elaborate, but I will anyways. It’s in the middle of nowhere, it’s cold, and it just doesn’t seem like a nice place to live. I’ve lived in Canada all my life, and no one has ever recommended that I visit Winnipeg. Even people from Winnipeg, if you ask them if it’s nice to live there, they’ll just shrug.
It would be cool to be the biggest celebrity in town, but I don’t want to have to put snow tires on my car and rock a Canada Goose jacket 7 days a week. Also, the players on the Jets have a bad reputation of toxicity in the locker room and I don’t tolerate bullying. I’m a very nice boy.
4. Toronto
My childhood dream was to play for the Maple Leafs. They are my favorite team and I love them with all my heart. But I can’t be forced to listen to that horrible anthem singer 41 times per season (plus playoffs). That is unbearable. No wonder they can’t get out of the first round, the players don’t want to listen to her butcher the anthem another time. She is so bad. So bad. People who think she’s good are enablers and you shouldn’t trust them. If you think she’s good call me any time at 416-302-4403 and I will yell at you.
5. Edmonton
Cold weather is gross. No one is planning their family vacation to Edmonton. Also, I think if I can avoid being on Evander Kane’s team it’s probably a good call. They just seem like a weird team to be on. They have the best player in the world but a general manager who can’t figure out how to build around him. I would like to go on record for the fiftieth time that general manager Ken Holland is horrible at his job. The Oilers have been a horrendous display by management overall. Lastly, I don’t want to be the second Jew on the team. One is more than enough.
6. Boston
I just don’t like them. Too many traumas and the Red Sox stink.
7. Minnesota
Before I explain I want to make it clear that I am completely insane and hold ridiculous grudges. This is what happened:
Back in 2016 I met a guy from Hamilton, and he is a diehard Minnesota Wild fan. DUDE THIS ISN’T THE NFL YOU CAN’T JUST SAY YOU’RE A BENGALS FAN. I’m not sure why it bothered me so much, but it did. I always root against the Wild and hope they lose forever. Do NOT trade me to the Wild. I will not go. If you’re from Hamilton you cheer for the Leafs, Red Wings, Senators or Habs. Those are the rules, do not ask me to explain the rules.
8. Columbus
By writing this list I have come to the realization that 10 is a lot of teams to have on a no trade list. I just think Columbus would be a boring place to live. Also they are always mediocre and I was born to be extraordinary.
9. Detroit
They’re in the middle of a rebuild and I’m turing 32 on Sunday. I’m not going to sign up for a rebuild at this point in my career when I only have 5-7 years left to win a cup. I can’t be mentoring young players right now. Sorry Stevey.
10. Seattle
Too much smelly Antifa. Gross.
Thank you for reading. I am currently covering the Ottawa Senators for the Hockey Writers. Here’s where you can find my articles: