The Plagues of Egypt: A Definitive Ranking

From Passover

Passover has come and gone. Probably the easiest holiday to keep when you allow yourself to eat rice and if your sweet can make scrumptious matzah pizza (and matzah brei). When I talk to people who don’t keep it, I am always in shock. God sent frogs and parted the sea so you could escape slavery, and you can’t take a week off bread? Pathetic.

Believe it or not, my favourite part of Passover isn’t the gefilte fish, potatonik, or my Aunt Ruth’s chopped liver (which was delish!) – it’s when we go over the plagues. When you look back on the plagues, God (blessed be He) truly outdid himself. They are all sensational. Here are my top 10 plagues based on how much I like them.

10 - Pestilence

It’s all fun and games until you start killing animals. While most of the plagues are good wholesome fun, this one is kind of sad. It’s not the animals’ fault that the Egyptians were keeping the Israelites as slaves. It’s wild that, after this plague, Pharaoh still hardened his heart and would not let the Israelites go. If I kidnapped any of your dogs, I’m pretty sure you would do unspeakable things to get them back. Pharaoh has the hardest heart of all time. What a gangster.

9 - Bugs/lice

Apparently, there were like so many bugs and it wasn’t cool at all. I’m not sure whether to interprate this one as bugs or lice but I don’t think it matters. This plague doesn’t seem that bad. Just call the exterminator or cut your hair, what’s the big deal? Easy decision for Pharaoh to harden his heart and keep on rocking in the slave world.

8 - Locusts

I can’t stand mosquitos. They’re yucky and gross. If I’m up north and the mosquitos are bad, I’m immediately going inside and hiding. I cannot fathom SWARMS of mosquitos that I can’t get away from. Now I googled locusts and they’re basically mosquitos on steroids. Imagine mosquitos that train with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Now picture swarms of them! I would have let Moses’ people go the second I saw a swarm of anything. Heck I would have listened to the Maple Leafs’ horrible anthem singer on repeat just to make them stop. She’s so bad. The locusts destroyed everything in their path and Pharaoh continued to harden his heart and refused to liberate Israelites from slavery. What a mad man!

7 - Blood

This plague is nasty. All the fish died so you can only imagine how horrible Egypt smelt and how thirsty everyone must have been. I crush a glass of water every morning and keep the party going all day long. I love to drink and then pee. It’s the best. Going an entire week without drinking anything would be next level horrible. This was the first plague and Hashem our lord (blessed be He) really started with a bang. I think if I was Pharaoh I wouldn’t have given in just because I love magic and would have been curious what trick was coming next.

6 - Darkness

I need to be entertained at every waking moment. The last time I cried was when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and accidentally left my iPhone in my bedroom. It’s not like in the old days when I had Archie comics to get me through it, I was completely alone with my thoughts. Now imagine this plague of total darkness. I’d never survive. If I go to a restaurant and it’s dark inside, I get very cranky. Now imagine pitch black. It’d be like the entire country going into solitary confinement. Since you’d be too afraid to walk or go anywhere you’d be pretty much left alone with your thoughts for several days. I think to make it bearable I would sing show tunes to pass the time. One song, glory. One song, before I go. Glory. One song to leave behind. Find one song, one last refrain. Glory, from the pretty boy front man, who wasted opportunity. One song, he had the world at his feet. Glory, in the eyes of a young girl, a young girl. Find glory beyond the cheap colored lights, one song before the sun sets. Glory, on another empty life. Time flies. Time dies. Glory. One blaze of glory. One blaze of glory. Glory! And so on.

5 - Frogs

Cutest. Plague. Ever. Frogs everywhere! Ribbit ribbit, am I right? I like to imagine Kermit the Frog is the ringleader and he’s laughing and having a blast. This one is just tasteful fun, and you can’t really blame Pharaoh for not giving in at this point.

4 - Boils

Hashem our lord (blessed be He) is a complete sicko and this plague proves it. Every Egyptian man and beast had boils! I googled boils so you don’t have to.

A boil is a painful, pus-filled bump that forms under your skin when bacteria infect and inflame one or more of your hair follicles. A carbuncle is a cluster of boils that form a connected area of infection under the skin. Boils (furuncles) usually start as reddish or purplish, tender bumps. The bumps quickly fill with pus, growing larger and more painful until they rupture and drain. Areas most likely to be affected are the face, back of the neck, armpits, thighs, and buttocks. You can usually care for a single boil at home. But don't attempt to prick or squeeze it — that may spread the infection.

Are you seriously not going to liberate the Israelites after BOILS? Pharoah, my man, sir, please just let them go dude. Let them go!!!!

3 - Hail

At first, I thought hail would be kind of nice. Throw on Gilmore Girls, treat myself to a bath and turn it into a lovely evening. But unfortunately, this is no ordinary hail. This was fiery hail that led to the obliteration of Egypt. I think if I was an Israelite, I really would have enjoyed watching the plague unfold. Like you’ve kept me as a slave for hundreds of years and now my God (blessed be He) is shooting fireballs at you from the sky. I wonder if God (blessed be He) was aiming his fireballs at specific Egyptians or if it was just the wild west out there. Anyways, this plague absolutely rules. Great plague.

2 - Wild animals

Lions and tigers and bears, oh gosh. A lot of people don’t know this, but I am petrified of animals. I have only been comfortable around dogs for like 12 years and for this I blame my father. If I’m in cottage country, I can’t even go outside alone because I’m afraid a bear will eat me. Back in the day at camp if I saw a raccoon my heart would beat like I’m doing an Olivia Amato Peloton climb. Regardless of my own issues, how incredible is this plague? It’s basically like Pharaoh was playing Jumanji against himself with Moses as referee. Hordes of wild animals wreaked havoc on Egypt, destroying everything in their path. Anyone who says this isn’t the best holiday needs to give their head a shake.

1 - Death of the firstborn sons

Our lord (blessed be etc.) really knows how to save the best for last. This plague is next level evil and affective. Chicks pretend they want equality but when it comes to slaying the firstborn son, they’re good with it. Classic. I’m kidding ladies, you know I love you. Anyways what an iconic plague. It has always been my favourite. Probably the most effective negotiation tactic ever. I bet if I could use this plague the next time, I’m asking for a raise I’d see that 30% pay increase I so deserve. Pharaoh’s wife was probably livid with him for letting it get to this point. First born sons are always the favorite child. I mean, not in my family at all (not even close) but most of the time so I hear.